results!

I have the result, Negative! and I dont know how I feel about it. I thought having an answer would give me some relief but it hasnt at all, i pleased i havent passed anything on to my partner but for myself??? I just dont know?


MAYBE I REALLY DO WANNA BE POS!

my writing

Now i know my writing will not be the best in quality and structure and my thoughts almost schizophrenic lacking order or reason. there is a lot of messed up, jumbled thought running through my head at the moment but hopefully my points and stories will form fully and with some work will come together to form the true honest story of my life to date, well as honest as i can be to myself that is... 

A text too a friend.

I'm feeling much better today, I have written a lot and worked few a things through in my head and I'm such a twat im in love with memories from 10 years ago and not considering how lucky I am now to have the other! Though I still wanna see him one last time i feel that I need to say good bye properly and finally break this fucking cycle if misery that he causes me I need to dump him if that makes sense at all!!! Im sorry dumping my shit on you thank you and I love you!

Next Thursday!

well next Thursday is results day! after being told by two people I have fucked and been fucked bareback by that they have tested HIV+ I have finally owned up to my responsibility for myself and partners health and gone for a long over due test myself.

I am fucking bricking it, I dont want to know, but how can I not!

 

Virgin

I'm new at this so bare with me for a while. I have never kept a diary or written a blog before and don't really know where to begin, I should start at the beginning really! But to be honest with you I do not know where the beginning of this story, my life is?

• is it the moment I was conceived by two drunken underage teenagers in the back of a car by South-end peer? (my mother has informed me my father kept his socks on!) 
• being abandoned by my mother when she ran away and left me with the person that was my dad but not my father?
• when my dads new wife abused me physically and mentally?
• when she got bored with me and put me in to care taking me away from my dad and my little sisters?
• the return of her my mother?
• possibly being given back to her?
• the time i was almost killed by my stepfather?
• the years of living in a high rise council block?
• or the moment I discovered I like boys not girls?
• My 2nd dad?
• back into care again!
• living with Nan and Grandads my foster carers
• my father appears at 15!
• school?
• grandads cancer and being sent back hers
• a death in the family
• fuck me nan married grandads brother!
• coming out?
• Homelessness!
• Sex? Drugs and on the dole.
• the fist time i saw him?
• loosing my virginity?
• the moment i fell in love?
• the ponit in which i became complacent and aggressive and violent and lost him?
• the night in the cells
• bug-hunting and rent?
• meeting the other and a realisation 
• an open relationship
• college
• oh he's back what a head fuck
• revenge
• in love with 2 men?
• Univercity
• the other one is the one I truly love
• failing?
• or could it be next Thursday?

Now I know that seems a lot of places that i could start, but i need to start somewhere so it will at the beginning, but i think its gonna take some time to tell, to lay my self naked upon the world and be honest to myself and relive through memories that I have struggled to suppress. I have avoided taking this journey until now, but i think its time i be honest with myself a record and relive what has made me, me and what will continue to form and shape the person that I will become.